Three Tips for Responding to Angry Emails

One of the most common sources of workplace stress is dealing with angry emails from customers, colleagues or even managers. These messages can be extremely annoying but there are some tricks for dealing with them effectively and painlessly. Sometimes you can even turn the situation around 180 degrees, turning an infuriated adversary into an ally. There are many proven methods you could use, but here are the three most important.

1. WAIT TILL YOU CALM DOWN. It's a natural human instinct to get steamed up when you receive a provocative message. If you reply immediately you are likely to send an equally angry response that is unproductive and escalates the situation. Wait a few hours and your perspective will change. Wait a day and the anger will often be gone completely. By this time your neo-cortex will be able to assert it's authority over the amygdala regions of the brain that are useful in an emergency when time is short, but sometimes provoke emotional responses that are inappropriate in civilized society.

2. MAKE SURE YOU READ IT CORRECTLY. Some messages are plainly as rude and offensive as a YouTube comment. Others are perhaps just misinterpreted. This is especially common when the other person is from another cultural background. What seems to you rude and provocative might actually be normal in their context. Even when sender and receiver speak the same language and have the same cultural background there can be misunderstandings. Someone once sent me an email that began "I resent the last message..."  At first I read this as resent in the sense of feeling indignation. After a puzzling exchange I finally understood that it was meant to be "re-sent" as in sent again. Another time I was annoyed by the tone of an email and almost drafted an equally vicious reply but luckily I realized at the last minute that it was not even addressed to me, I was just in copy.

3. ANSWER THE SUBSTANCE NOT THE TONE. After you have calmed down and after you have made sure you understood everything go back through the message and try to find out what the person actually wants, ignoring all the sarcasm, insults, innuendo or ridicule. Rephrase the same question or request politely in your own mind and answer that, politely and respectfully. This avoids escalation, it looks good if the thread is ever seen by management and sometimes it will make the person who sent the original angry message regret that they sent it.   

This last point is perhaps the one that is least obvious but believe me it works.  In one job I was asked to deal with an angry email from a furious customer. Reading between the lines I found that what he wanted was software drivers for another version of Windows. The rest was abuse, mostly in capitals, aimed at the company, its management and their families. I sent a very simple reply saying thank you for the request and here is a link to the driver download page.  The next day I received a very polite response apologizing for the rant and expressing admiration for the professional attitude of the company. De-escalation not only avoids aggravating a conflict it can even turn an adversary into a friend, or at least someone who doesn't hate you anymore.


Lectures, Workshops, Coaching and Writing

For lectures, workshops, coaching and writing on this and other aspects of communication you can contact me through my website http://andrewhennigan.com, email at conseil@andrewhennigan.com or by phone at 0033 6 79 61 42 81 in France and 0046 730 894 475 in Sweden.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Best Regards: How to Start and End Your Emails

Image
Last year I wrote that to make your email more effective you should put meaningful content into the subject line, keep your messages short and consider other channels (see Three Timesaving Tips for Email ). I also wrote some guidelines about common culture problems when email crosses borders (see Three Non-Obvious Ways Culture Affects Email ). But there is one other question about international email that comes up regularly in workshops: how should you start and finish? Do I use "Dear", "Hi",or "Hello" to start with? What do I do if I don't know if the person I am writing to is a man or a woman? "What is the difference between "Best regards  and "Warm regards"? This is a question that puzzles many people and a while ago it stressed me, too. But the answers to these questions are perhaps easier than you imagine. DEAR MR/MRS WHATEVER . First of all, at the start of a mail you probably have some sort of salutation. How do you kn
Read more

Reverting to Emails: Confusion and the Indian English Language

Image
In workshops about global email many people focus on their issues communicating with colleagues in India. Partly this is related to some deeper cultural differences that lead to misunderstandings. But many problems are also caused by the different ways in which Indian people use English. There are some "English" words that you will probably only hear in India, like " stepney ", their word for a spare wheel. A hundred years ago this term was coined in the UK and was exported to India where it survived. Back home only a few antique vehicle enthusiasts have any idea what it means. There are also many English expressions that are peculiar to India, like "What is your good name?". But in both cases an English speaker from elsewhere would just see an unfamiliar expression and either ask what it means or google it. Most problems are caused by another kind of difference: where a standard US or UK English word is used but with a different meaning. Recently s
Read more

TED’s Magical Red Carpet

Image
Watch any TED(x) video or, better still, attend a live event, and you will probably notice that speakers stand in the middle of a circular red carpet. This choice is not just a question of aesthetics. That red carpet actually plays a key role in the success of the TED format. Having the speaker stand in the middle of a red carpet has several important consequences, leading the speaker to follow best practices that they might not be aware of. No script or notes . Since there is no table, lectern or other furniture within reach, the speaker cannot easily read from a script. This forces them to deliver their talk from memory, which is much more compelling because few people can read from a script and make it sound natural. And no matter how good you are at reading, the audience can see that your eyes are scanning the text and this breaks the magical connection with their minds. Encouraging people to speak from memory pushes them to make a much better talk than they might ot
Read more